Cupid's Arrow or Dead Vampires Don't Sparkle
by Scott Press
Summary: Harry and some of his friends take a holiday in America to celebrate their victory against Lord Voldemort. When they disturb their neighbors, things take an unexpected turn. Pure crack.


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_**Cupid's Arrow**_

_**or**_

_**Dead Vampires Don't Sparkle**_

"Ten-oh-four, International Portkey from London," the clerk announced as a group of witches and wizards picked themselves up from the floor and collected their belongings; a pair of sunglasses here, a Wireless pimped out with twenty-eight speakers there. Fortunately, Ron had asked his dad to add a Featherweight Charm to it and everyone was carrying Bottomless bags.

"Hello America!" hollered Harry, taking the lead. "And good morning to you, sir! What a beautiful day!"

"Morning," the clerk replied, looking a bit cross. Another bunch of tourists on holiday, no doubt. How he hated those self-aggrandised little pricks.

"Alright, everyone!" Harry said. "I've rented the cars, they should be waiting for us outside."

"It's very interesting that American wizards use cars on a daily basis," Hermione said. "They're much more integrated with-"

"Yes, yes, I'm sure it's fascinating, Hermione, but we're here on holiday," Harry interrupted her quickly. "An enormous house with a pool is waiting for us and weather is supposed to be great."

Outside, a duo of two of the biggest cars any of them had ever seen were waiting to drive them to their destination, all tinted windows and chrome wheels.

"Ah!" exclaimed Seamus. "I think I might've gone a bit blind."

"That's ridiculous," Hermione argued. "How can you go _a bit_ blind?"

Despite Hermione's fact-lecturing tendencies, the company of nine got into the cars and the chauffeurs were soon speeding down the road.

"What's the place called again?" Ron called from the back seat. "Spoons?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's Forks, Ronald."

"Oh, yeah," the driver said. "Your place is in the woods, a real nice area, but you might wanna watch out for the neighbours."

"Why's that? I thought there weren't any muggles living nearby."

"Nah, they're not muggles," the driver said. "They're a family of vampires."

There were some shrieks from the passengers present, but Harry kept the situation under control.

"Calm your tits, chaps, calm your tits," he urged. "We got rid of Voldemort, what's a bunch of vampires?"

"You shouldn't have any problems, really," the driver assured them. "They only feed on animals. If you don't bother them, everything should be fine."

~~oOo~~

"Ron, stop jerking off and get the barbecue going!" Harry yelled from the other side of the pool.

"Alright, alright! Can't a bloke admire his girlfriend for a moment?"

"Ron, I can still see your dick," Seamus said loudly. "Would you kindly hide it?"

"But you can barely see it," Luna remarked, squinting her eyes. "Especially from this angle."

"Luna!" exclaimed Lavender, though it wasn't clear if she was angry or just excited.

"Where is my _Hogwarts: A History_?" Hermione demanded, more than a little panicked. "I swear, if it's at the bottom of the pool..."

"Oh, please, Hermione," Harry said, flipping a page in his copy of _Quidditch Through The Ages_. "For once in your life don't think about books and have some fun."

~~oOo~~

"Edward, love," Bella said softly, leaning towards him. "Be careful or you'll break the piano."

"I just can't stand this ridiculous noise from across the road," Bella's vampire lover growled in a manly fashion, baring his teeth. "Is that what wizards call music? Spin around like a crazy elf? What the fu-"

Bella swatted him on the arm. "You will not use such words with our daughter around!"

Edward scowled angstily, for no particular reason. "She's three miles away, Bella."

"Exactly! She'll hear you."

Edward tried to focus on the piano, but even his superior undead mind couldn't overcome the blaring of the wizards' radio. The Weird Sisters were stuck in his head. He spend a whole bilionth of a second contemplating whether or not he should write the offending lyrics all over the wall.

At that moment Jacob leaped in through the open back door.

"_Dude!_" Edward shrieked in his deep baritone. "Put some pants on. Seriously."

Jacob blinked away from sight and came back a moment later, now dressed.

"Hey! Those are my khakis!" Edward protested.

"I'll buy you a new pair. Anyway, I came over to see where that fucking noise was coming from. Whoever's playing that music, stop it. Stop it _now_," Jacob threatened, flexing his twelve-pack.

"It's some wizards across the road," Bella explained. "They're having a party."

"We were going to go and say hi, but then that dreadful music started playing."

"You know that Edward has a very refined taste when it comes to music," Bella said. "We never listen to anything newer than Black Sabbath."

"Well, Avril Lavigne is an exception," Edward corrected her.

"I hear you brother," Jacob agreed. "Now, I think it's time to kick some butts, I'm all outta bubble gum anyway."

Edward's eyes darkened, externally emphasising his inner turmoil. "In the name of Bach, Schubert and Rod Stewart, this needs to stop."

Hearing Edward's commanding voice, so full of passion, Bella shuddered and fainted gracefully.

~~oOo~~

"Harry!" Hermione hammered on the door of the cupboard under the stairs. "There's someone at the door!"

"Uh, oh... I'm a little busy at the momeeee..."

"I think it's those vampires from across the street. I'm not talking to vampires!" she said. There was a sound of foot-stomping.

"Okaa-hey. Just give me a minute. One minute, I swear!"

"Harry? Are you okay?" Hermione asked. "It sounds like you're choking someone in there."

"No, everything's fine. Never better."

There was a pause.

"Harry, where's Ginny?"

Harry gave the first response that came to mind. "Around."

_Around my-_

The doorbell rang again.

"Harry, _get out of there this instant_!"

"Ooooooooh..."

"I can go again, if you want," Ginny whispered seductively, licking her lips. "Just let me know."

"Sure, love, just let me deal with the vampires."

One quick Cleaning Charm later - Ginny, well, didn't need it - Harry left the closet, trying to summon a somewhat neutral look onto his face. Hermione threw him a disapproving glare and steered him toward the door. Harry swung it open, keeping one hand in his pocket, ready to draw the wand. Vegetarians or not, he didn't trust vampires even as far as he could see them without his glasses, which wasn't very far.

"Hello," the pale leader of the group said politely. Harry wondered how much Sleekeazy's Hair Potion it would take to slick his own hair back like that. The other guy apparently couldn't help flexing his muscles and the girl, however pretty, didn't have nearly enough freckles for Harry's tastes.

"Hi. Was there something you wanted?"

"Yes," said the Slick One. "Could you please turn down your music? We can... hear it over at our house..."

All of a sudden, he fell to his knees and the constipated look on his face was replaced with angelic bliss.

"Who is this unearthly creature?" he mumbled, staring at Hermione.

"Oh no," the muscled guy lamented. "Not _again_."

"What just happened?" Harry asked. "Does he need a Healer?"

"No," the girl grumbled, hauling the Slick One away. When the both of them stepped out of the shadow cast by the trees for a moment, their skin started sparkling like disco balls.

"Hey what _is_ that?" Ginny asked, intrigued. "Some kind of glitter?"

"No, they just do that," the muscled guy explained. "And turn down the music, yeah?"

"Sure," Harry said. "Sorry if we were making too much noise."

~~oOo~~

The next day the strangely lovestruck vampire attempted to kidnap Hermione. Harry accidentally burned him to death in an overeager attempt at protecting his friend. The rest of the vampiric clan soon retaliated, determined to avenge the death of one of their own. Harry led Dumbledore's Army in a counterstrike, wiping out the vampires via liberal usage of fire-based spells. Shortly after Harry received a most curious letter.

"Hey Harry, what's the letter say?" Ron asked.

"It's from some Italian bloke named Aro," Harry said. "Apparently the Cullens were troublemakers and he's been trying to get rid of them for a long time. He's offering all of us a week-long stay in some kick-ass hotel in Dubai, all paid, and we can do whatever we want." Harry passed the letter on. "I don't know what skydiving is, but I want to try it."


End file.
